Transformers 3 came out last Wednesday and since I hate to be the last person to see enormous tent-pole movies like this….

The big draw was that T3 would wrap up the Transformers story. Ironically none of the 3 movies really connect. It’s like those Pirates Of The Caribbean movies; no one really knows what’s going on and no one knows how they fit together. They just is.

The director of the Transformers films is Michael Bay,  known for blowing things up and telling stories badly. I admit, I’m a sucker for Michael Bay movies. My first was Bad Boys and that was pretty damn cool…in 1995. Since then we’ve had The Rock, Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, Bad Boys 2, The Island, and Transformers 1 & 2. Not bad for a resume, heh?

Transformers 1 was impressive; Spielberg (the producer of all 3 films) admitted he wanted it to be the story about “a boy and his first car”…thank you Steve, Transformers was watchable. It was also written by the 2 writers known for creating Alias, Lost, Fringe and writing the new Star Trek…so the script was solid. Fast forward to T2 (a different writer) and…I want my 2 hours back.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley

The chocolately-center of Transformers 3? A god-awful story. Since we had seen all this before in T1 and 2,  the main attraction wasn’t even the robots; it’s the Megan Fox-replacement, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, a former Victoria’s Secret model-turned-actress (and a robot of a different kind). (Megan Fox called director Michael Bay “a Nazis” and therefore was replaced before filming.) When Megan Fox was an attractive nobody, Megan Fox2 is an attractive nobody with a job; it’s not like woman’s underwear can sell itself right?

This movie is terrible, but has a few things going for it: giant transforming robots fighting and destroying Chicago, that kid who ruined the last Indiana Jones movie, Fergie Black-Eye Peas’ husband (you know, the dude who like strippers, or so they say), a Victoria Secret model who still remains “unfamous” and John “Why are you in this movie?” Malkovich.

Nuff said!